I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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