i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Randomize
