a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
