Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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