it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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