i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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