i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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