the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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