Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
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He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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