Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
