I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
