remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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