I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Randomize
