My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
