I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
