Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
