my phone needs a breathalizer
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
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