I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Randomize
