The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Randomize
