Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
