Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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