I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
