The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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