Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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