i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
