mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
