he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
