he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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