tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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