i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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