yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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