Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
