You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
