He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
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I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
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I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
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