just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
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i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
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I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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