Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
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thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
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Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
The Olympian is in my bed
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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