good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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