when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
