Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
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So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
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I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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