Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just cut my nipple shaving
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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