her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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