highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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