You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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