it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
