fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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