ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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