the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
