im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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