im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
