You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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