3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
