I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
