I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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